I'm angry, mad and sad... all of these stupid emotions wrapped in a sloppy bow. Dating has to be the most challenging process anyone can go through. It seems like you get just one shot to find the ultimate mate, and if you so happen to blink, you might miss it. I try not to blink often because I want this grueling process to be over with. The other day, I was cooking spaghetti, fearing that it had overcooked. I proceeded to throw a noodle at the wall to see if it would stick. Of course it didn't, and it reminded me of all the guys I dated that could never stick to the wall of commitment.
I think one day I will be completely emotionally unavailable, and I don't really know why I feel this way. Our emotions never have the ability to think. We feel what we feel because we've been through what we've been through. Emotions are not rational in their makeup; they don't think before they express themselves.
At age 23, I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm slowly running out of steam. The scary part is, if I'm still single at age 30, what frame of mind will I be in? Hell, will I even be mentally stable? I've learned when dating, your emotions have to be fully mature and in control (something that I have not yet completely achieved and probably why I'm still single). In my past relationships, when we had disagreements or differences in views, I let my emotions take over. Instead of exposing my lack of control, I protected myself by becoming upset. I would get louder and louder, but not because I had a point. I find that sometimes we get louder in arguments in order to protect ourselves from the fact that we already discovered that we don't have a point. The argument turns for the worse, and I find myself focusing on old issues and baggage that have nothing to do with the conversation at hand. The end result? Failed communication.
My messy emotional gifts are putting a wall between me and the dating world. I have no clue how to untie this sloppy bow; the knot is just too tight. When I ultimately unwrap it, where will I put my anger, resentment, mistrust, tears and fears? I once asked a friend for advice and she told me to, "Get over it. This whole time this chaotic gift that you never unwrapped is just sitting here collecting dust. Unwrap it, embrace it and get over it. You will move on... take back control!"
Easier said than done, but still great advice. I've learned I need to figure out myself before I even think of dating. It's like you are on a flight where the air masks come down. In this situation, you are told to fix your own mask before trying to help anyone else. If you try to help someone before you put your own mask on, you jeopardize both of you dying. If you fix your mask first, you improve the odds for both of you. When it comes to dating, you must sort out your own mask first. Learn about yourself before you try to learn about someone else.
My biggest issue is that my chaotic emotions and lack of logic make me carry psychological damage and unresolved anger into my new relationships. I think my main objective needs to be to close the door of resentment, and lock it with a key named forgiveness. When you're hurt by an important person you love and trust, you can grow to be confused, angry or sad. I have learned if you dwell on hurtful relationships, grudges, vengeance and hostility may take root. If you let negative feelings outgrow your positive feelings, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness wrapped in a sloppy bow.
Forgiveness is a pledge to a development of change. I'm learning that I need to realize the value of forgiveness and its importance. Then I can reflect on how this has affected my life, and my relationships. I have always played the role of the "victim." I'm slowly moving away from that, and trying to release control. My ultimate goal is that these messy emotional gifts will no longer define my life. I know that I can find the compassion and understanding I possess.
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